The Questions

I'm currently watching this show on MTV called "If You Really Knew Me", about kids who get a chance to share themselves with classmates in a very diverse school (they go to a new school in every episode). The whole point of this show is to have kids express themselves and humanize their lives to others so they aren't just another person, they are individuals. I nearly cried watching it, watching these high school kids express how they really feel, showing who they truly are as opposed to the act they put on at school. After the first 15 or 30 minutes of watching this, I decided to think of what I would say if I had to explain how I really feel, or who I really am.

If you really knew me, you would know that I am not happy with my life. That meaning I wish that I was doing something, but I am too lazy to do anything about it. I love my daughter but I wish I could do more for her, provide her with her own home, whether that be an apartment, condo, or house. My boyfriend declared about a month ago that he plans to marry me, but I am very skeptical that he truly wants to, I don't want him to do it simply because of our daughter. I feel as though he is settling for me, instead of wanting to be with me. Most of my life I've felt like running away, or felt as though i wasn't good enough. I would like to say I don't feel that as much anymore, but it is most definitely still there lingering. It's not my parent's fault, they have always told me I could go somewhere in life, that I was smart enough, pretty enough, that I was loved. I am unsure of where it all came from, or how it started, but I wish it would go away. I had a very hard relationship with my now six year, boyfriend. I was cheated on, multiple times. The hard part is that I knew about it but never stood up for myself. It went on and on for four years, until I exploded with the last one. I think it made a difference, considering we are now together and things have changed for the better, but it is a very strong cause for my lack of self-esteem. I always feel partially insignificant. My parents fought a lot when I was younger and they weren't necessarily set up the way fights should be taught. My mom and dad are a ton better now and hardly fight, and they are awesome and picking the correct arguments, but I still have no idea on how to fight correctly. How I handle an argument, I feel, is going to some day break me. Depending on the fight, or who the fight is with, it is going to come down to what is more important, and I am afraid of that fight.

Overall, I am not perfect, I try my best to not act perfect, I tend to joke my way out of tough situations, and sometimes stress situations that should be let go. There is giant list of things that I could (and will) work on, and that is life, I know. I just thought it was time for me to post who exactly I am, so here it is.

(Never be afraid to express yourself and who you are)

The Exhaustion

To be honest with myself, I hate the fact that I've got nothing going for me in life. I could potentially be very depressed..