It's Been a While

Ahhh to be blogging again.. It has been a while because I have been family oriented, and I just recently moved into my (yes, MY) apartment!

I LOVE living on my own.. oh with my own shower, food, and such. What I probably enjoy the most is the fact that there aren't any "adults" to go around telling me how to do things or how to raise my daughter.. EXCITE!

                                                 my living set up

I am grateful that everything worked out well, I've been here since the first of December, and nothing has gone wrong! Well aside from AT&T being slight fuck-ups, but that is a story for another time.

Christmas has come and gone now.. Ari got everything she wanted, and some she didn't even know she wanted, and when I say "some" I actually mean everything. I got Guitar Hero with the entire band set, Max claimed the drums.. I love love love this game because I am pretty decent at it, so I am glad I got something I could do for fun. Sometimes, even though practical gifts are needed, fun gifts are useful too!

On the other side of all of this, my uncle's father died before Christmas, and today we celebrated his life. I know my uncle is a strong man, but it's probably the hardest thing having to bury the only parent he had left.. At least Roy is finally with Dolly :] I am sure she thought it was the best Christmas present in the heavens.

All in all, everything has been going smoothly.
I am blessed to have foodstamps and such a supportive family.
I am blessed for a healthy and smart daughter, and a loving boyfriend.

Home - Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes

The Potty

DUN DUN DUN! Ari has been diligently asking to go on the potty! There is hope people!

The past three weeks have been slightly difficult, and the potty training was hard to come by. Since her birthday, she has decided to start verbalizing her need to "poopy" or pee. Ari has yet to get the timing right, meaning she starts, then stops, and then tells us she needs to go. I guess it's all in time, right?!

Today, at my mother's house this morning, she woke up and told my mom that she had to poop.

"Gana I need to poop," My mom looks at her and replies "Let's go!"

On their way to the potty Ari reached down to her bottom and exclaims, "EWWW POOP!" Needless to say she did go in her pants, but she did finish on the toilet. So, at least we are getting somewhere with all of this.

Trial and Error people, trial and error.
The struggle continues!

The Questions

I'm currently watching this show on MTV called "If You Really Knew Me", about kids who get a chance to share themselves with classmates in a very diverse school (they go to a new school in every episode). The whole point of this show is to have kids express themselves and humanize their lives to others so they aren't just another person, they are individuals. I nearly cried watching it, watching these high school kids express how they really feel, showing who they truly are as opposed to the act they put on at school. After the first 15 or 30 minutes of watching this, I decided to think of what I would say if I had to explain how I really feel, or who I really am.

If you really knew me, you would know that I am not happy with my life. That meaning I wish that I was doing something, but I am too lazy to do anything about it. I love my daughter but I wish I could do more for her, provide her with her own home, whether that be an apartment, condo, or house. My boyfriend declared about a month ago that he plans to marry me, but I am very skeptical that he truly wants to, I don't want him to do it simply because of our daughter. I feel as though he is settling for me, instead of wanting to be with me. Most of my life I've felt like running away, or felt as though i wasn't good enough. I would like to say I don't feel that as much anymore, but it is most definitely still there lingering. It's not my parent's fault, they have always told me I could go somewhere in life, that I was smart enough, pretty enough, that I was loved. I am unsure of where it all came from, or how it started, but I wish it would go away. I had a very hard relationship with my now six year, boyfriend. I was cheated on, multiple times. The hard part is that I knew about it but never stood up for myself. It went on and on for four years, until I exploded with the last one. I think it made a difference, considering we are now together and things have changed for the better, but it is a very strong cause for my lack of self-esteem. I always feel partially insignificant. My parents fought a lot when I was younger and they weren't necessarily set up the way fights should be taught. My mom and dad are a ton better now and hardly fight, and they are awesome and picking the correct arguments, but I still have no idea on how to fight correctly. How I handle an argument, I feel, is going to some day break me. Depending on the fight, or who the fight is with, it is going to come down to what is more important, and I am afraid of that fight.

Overall, I am not perfect, I try my best to not act perfect, I tend to joke my way out of tough situations, and sometimes stress situations that should be let go. There is giant list of things that I could (and will) work on, and that is life, I know. I just thought it was time for me to post who exactly I am, so here it is.

(Never be afraid to express yourself and who you are)

The Exhaustion

To be honest with myself, I hate the fact that I've got nothing going for me in life. I could potentially be very depressed..

The Music

I have a real horrible flow of emotions right now. I am not quite sure why, but maybe you could help me figure it out. Here is a list of music I found myself listening to today.



Good Riddance - Green Day
Face Down - The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
Stupid Girl - Cold
Hate On Me - Jill Scott
Loser - Beck
DOA - Foo Fighters
Gives You Hell - All American Rejects

On replay.

The Boy

I'm sitting here thinking about what my life would be like if I had never met Maxwell. My life would definitely be dull, but I think I would have had more friends at this time.. not that I mind not having friends. Oh, not to mention I wouldn't have my beautiful daughter, Ariyah Jordyn. I had a very interesting high school experience with dating a guy all four years on and off, getting pregnant, not graduating on time, and being cheated on a bunch. Although, I don't regret ANY of it. Max is someone I can't get rid of, not because he is my daughter's father, but because I genuinely love him. Now that I look at it, that seems extremely cheesy! I am 19 years old and claiming that I love someone? Well, it's true. For the past six years I've been with this guy, on and off and still going strong! I appreciate him, I enjoy having him around because he understands me, we fight like we hate each other, but end up going to bed saying 'I love you'. That's my man! He is an egotistical prick majority of the time, and I love it. Proving him wrong about things is probably one of my favorite past times (despite what Americans think about baseball.. ew)! The reason for this post is based upon my own proof of my happiness. I feel I post statuses on facebook about negative things more often than anyone should. I am happy and some important people need to know. I love my life, even if it is hard and trivial, and I LOVE my little family.

The Drawing

I would like to happily announce my three year old daughter just drew a picture of a smiley face! A LEGIT SMILEY FACE! I just thought maybe I could get her to come up with some interpretation of what SHE thought was a face.. but she actually drew two eyes O O, and a curve ) underneath it!! The eyes were lopsided but it was a face! I am seriously happy! I cannot get over it.. AHHHH! Excitement!

She scribbled over it immediately after she drew it, because mama started freaking out and her hand went everywhere with excitement!

The Bed

    As I discussed in my last post, my boyfriend and I were going to switch out our beds today. We ended up not getting to it, due to my meeting at work today. While I was at work learning of our new in-service, my boyfriend's mother approached him with an offer to buy our daughter a bed. NO. That was the first thing that came to my mind. This woman enjoys doing things for others such as cancer society work, concessions at the high school, and other volunteer work just to throw it in our faces later of how she is such a good person. Sorry lady, good people do not flaunt their work as something everyone should PRAISE them for. But back to the real story.. She wants to buy a bed. Now, bed usually cost a GOOD amount of money, try, $300 and up. You would think that this is an awesome idea, "WOW! I DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT GETTING HER A BED!!", but this is not the case. If we were to let her buy said bed, she would then later bring up in argument how she spent a billion dollars on the bed for us, so we should be appreciative of her. In conclusion, I am not very happy about all this bed non-sense, I would much rather save up and buy it myself than get it for free from her just to have it thrown in my face later, thanks. What ended up being, is that we use my old mattress from my mom's house for Maxwell and I, and Ariyah keep his bed. UGH, much better!

    "Maturity is achieved when a person accepts life as full of tension."  ~Joshua L. Liebman

 CLICK HERE:
I was just surfing the web looking for cool "home improvement" type things, and I liked this. So go check it out if you want.. Just thought I should add more to my post :] 

The Beginning

I am converting to blogging, as opposed to Facebook. Here I feel as though my thoughts and emotions are better understood, and not too repetitive. This is my very first post, cliche, and I am trying to figure out what all this "blogging hype" is about! I haven't got a story to post right now, but I will tomorrow. Tomorrow we are going to move a day bed into a tiny room in the basement, and move a LARGE bed into my own. If this proves to be a challenge I will be posting about it immediately after the move. Wish me luck!